There are many things in this world
that people know very well.
We have experts in certain subjects,
like psychologists
and technologists of the world.
They know about that area
of humanity,
and the mentality of the like,
but there are things I know
they do not know
about other parts of life.
I know we are not perfect;
we cannot know it all.
Then why do I feel so stupid?
Why am I so dull?
There are many things I do not know,
there are many things I do,
but no matter how many things I know,
I will always feel retarded,
and I'll even think it's true.
I cannot break this pattern,
or maybe I don't know how.
But I do know where it comes from;
I finally figured it out.
It is a pain that has grown immensely;
it has reared its ugly head.
It has deep rooted itself within me,
and hides underneath my bed.
It attacks me in the night,
and keeps me up all hours of the morn.
It clothes itself with humor,
and keeps close to my every sore.
It has grown with me since childhood;
it started when I was very young.
It came from my insecurities
and became greater
when I felt alone.
I was neglected as a child,
and left with two young kids.
I became, what you would call
a junior "Mom",
and had responsibilities
instead of friends.
Because I had more "important" things
going on in my young bound life,
I never did my homework,
or had motivation of any kind.
I neglected to do any school work
and failed at everything.
I was even told, or yelled at,
for not doing the right things.
At home it was always hard;
because I did everything wrong.
I never did right or good,
but I always tried to please my mom.
Every time I messed up
I would never hear the end.
She would always call me Stupid,
and never be my friend.
I heard it from my Mother,
I heard it from my,
"little friend".
I couldn't do anything right.
I was Stupid.
I was ignorant.
I saw it then.
I came home to a town house
and lived in a drug dealing court,
where I heard gun shots every other night
and policemen at every door.
I heard a lot of screaming
mainly between my Step-Dad and Mom.
She always yelled
because he wasn't perfect
and didn't believe in God at all.
He used drugs all the time,
but he was still a very good man.
He would even call me his daughter
to all his drug dealing friends.
He was like a real live Dad to me
but in the end he died
when I was only 15.
I was tortured by the thought
that no one would ever pay attention to me.
So after he died
I mourned for 2 things,
that I lost him as a Dad,
and lost any care or concern for me.
I started drinking alcohol
and started smoking weed.
I started drinking heavily;
it was my only living need.
In the midst of this great tragedy
I still knew
there was another man,
who was my real live Father,
but I didn't know him
as a Dad.
I knew him since I was 2.
I went to his house every other week.
But we didn't know each other,
and more,
he didn't care to know me.
He would never call me at home
or even on my cell phone.
He would even lie
when they went to Disneyland
because he didn't want to pay my toll.
I was neglected by my Mother
left by my only Dad,
rejected by my real Father,
and forced in a stupid program.
I never felt like I could do anything right
I have always been insecure.
I thought my "little friend"
would help me?
I thought he would save me
and more?
What happened to you my little friend?
What...is this the end?
I thought my friend was good.
I thought he cared for me.
He taught me so many things;
he spent so much time
making me feel I was a need.
He taught me how to laugh,
when I felt insecure.
He taught me how to fidget,
when I was alone,
or when I felt unsure.
He taught me how to lie,
when I didn't feel comfortable being honest.
He taught me how to feel good,
by showing me new tricks of pretending,
or by numbness.
That's why I started drinking,
sometimes I would even smile.
That's why I smoked weed,
to take me to a place
that was worth while.
But every year that passed,
some how those things stopped working,
because my focus was not on my friend anymore,
but on One who truly loves me.
This One started to pursue me
like no one I had ever known.
He even called me His daughter,
but it took a while for me
to know.
He was the God most high,
who wanted me as his own.
I accepted Him in my life
and it started to really show.
He took me as I was,
loved me just the same.
He didn't want me to change,
but he wanted to show
who he really made.
He wanted me to love
his beloved creation
called me.
I tried to pretend for a while
but I couldn't lie or deceive.
He already knew what I did.
That I had made a big mistake
but surprisingly
he didn't punish me.
He wasn't even angry.
All he said to me was,
"My beloved daughter
with whom
I am well pleased."
I couldn't believe my ears,
that this guy could really love me!
Could He be for real;
is he one who truly loves me?
But still I struggled to love myself
and still to this very day.
I have many insecurities...
Oh wait, my little friend!
Did he stow away?
Yes! He did.
He hid
beneath my skin
His favorite thing is flesh
he loves to sit
deep within.
Who is this thing
that says he's my friend?
Now I know what friendship means.
And it is not as he has said;
he lies to me.
Yes, he does deceive.
His name is called Incompetence.
Now I see the truth.
He is trying to bring me down;
he is trying to lie
about the truth.
All these years I never knew.
I always thought he was on my side.
I thought he really cared for me too.
I didn't see
he was trying to hide.
He made me feel worthless.
He made me feel rotten.
He took away my freedom
and took over all of my thoughts.
He tainted every part of me
by the time I turned 22.
He started to become sloppy
after I grew in the Lord,
then I knew.
I saw my insecurities.
I saw my feelings of worthlessness.
I even saw my eyes had changed;
I saw myself through goggles.
I saw an ugly person
when I looked at myself in a mirror.
I couldn't bear to look anymore
even make up...
I didn't care.
When people would say,
"You’re beautiful!"
No matter how great it was.
I would always question,
what do they see?
How could they think
I am so pretty?
In this place of oppression,
of slavery and of bondage,
were heavy chains
of worthlessness,
of Ignorance
and lack of knowledge.
They burdened my heart;
they burdened my soul.
I was weary of the battle
that led me to no where at all.
I finally acknowledged the reality
by someone God had sent
to help me see,
that my friend Incompetence
is not the truth.
He's not even good.
He only knows how to wound.
He was never my friend.
He never helped me.
The only reason I survived
was because Christ loves me.
By His Grace I've been saved.
By his Love I've been grown,
because he's a God
who will take me
out of whatever circumstances
I've known.
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