You are stupid

"You are stupid",
my mother would say,
when she would catch me
going astray.

If I would make a mistake
I would always know
by the sounds she would make;
by her face,
it would show.

I could see it in her eyes,
I could see it in her smile,
she was disappointed in me
for not being a child
that would always obey,
or who would always listen.

But I did "Mommy Dearest",
I did what you asked
I did what you said.
I washed all the dishes
and cleaned the living room.
I washed all the clothes
and even vacuumed my room.
But I forgot to clean the litter
and forgot to feed the cat...
I'm sorry "Mommy Dearest",
I didn't mean to slack.

"You are stupid",
she would say,
when she would catch me
doing wrong
or catch me in lie,
or catch me trying to move on.

I would not be a child
that ever did right,
that ever made her proud,
or ever took the time
to make her happy,
or make her smile;
to make her laugh,
even just for a little while.

But who could make her smile?
Who could make her laugh?
Why was I the one?
She'd always be on my back
about everything in her life,
everything in mine,
everything in site,
everything all the time.

If I made a mistake
or did something wrong
she would always be disappointed
and would always let me know.

I wasn't enough.
I wasn't any good.
I couldn't do anything right,
as she thought I always should.

I have known I can't be perfect
but I always felt
I had to be.
I never had the freedom
to enjoy my life
so lovingly.

She has always disagreed
and never accepted me
for who I really was,
until I gave in
to her beliefs.

I started to follow Jesus,
all of the sudden
I was good.
I started to want to do His will,
and then she was proud
and pleased,
of who
she thought I should be.

I know that she loved me
and loves me to this day,
but she doesn't know
how to love in Grace
because she doesn't believe
that Christ is tied to her,
even to this very day.

Most days I have anxiety,
most days I tend to worry.

I worry about things
that I cannot explain.
I worry about life,
and even my pain.

I have anxiety about myself;
about wisdom, knowledge, and pride.
I worry about disappointment
and even space,
and sometimes time.

It has caused me to miss
opportunities for some great things
and now I see the detriment
that this stupid feeling brings.

This all stems from my childhood
all this stuff is from my past.
It has tainted my very existence.
I cannot take anything back.
It has left it's ugly mark
and cut too deep to hide.
All that I can do now
is try to morn my lost childhood
and life.