His throne endure before me like the sun

My heart, restless and uneasy, was struck by a piercing comment, "Did you go to college? Did you graduate? No. Well I did." Hearing a tone of arrogance, I said nothing, left only to feel the sting of it's blade later when the numbing of my adrenaline wore off. I became callus and cold hearted, so I wouldn't have to reveal my brokenness. How could I not have known or felt my own pain, until this day?

The questions that linger, even under my very breathe, are:

Am I smart enough?
Am I competent?
Can I succeed?
Am I worth it?

I am at war. I go to battle every day, in every hour, and in every minute, fighting for my right to feel competent and valuable. On the battle field, I call out for strength; I put on armor to protect my heart, a helmet to cover my head, and a sword to draw on my enemy, although I hardly use it. I have coverings for my feet for quickness, and my head is anointed with oil, to symbolize my new self.

This last battle started with great success. I covered much ground. Scouting the terrain, I caught thieves and exposed them to be judged, and I was rewarded greatly. Unknown to me, I was also exposed. I was now a known person. A trap was set for me by the enemy. Dwelling in my glory, I became arrogant, and foolishly walked into their trap. I could not believe my Ignorance.

Then a faint whisper in the wind came unto me, to say:

-I am not condemned, I am forgiven.
-I am not incompetent; I have been given wisdom and knowledge by the One greater than myself.
-I am not worthless; I am as a precious jewel, and am called by name, Beloved.

As soon as I repeated this gift of truth, I was rescued from my prison and brought back to this place to share this with you.

Psalm 89:1-37

Missy to Mister

Yesterday I was talking to my mother about some deep spiritual issues, brought on by a video I watched by EX Ministries. As we were discussing these important subjects, one of my cats jumped on my bed. I was laying there in deep thought, praying that God would open my eyes to His perspective, and grant me insight for His kingdom, when my mother signaled my attention to look at my cat Missy. When I looked at her I couldn't tell exactly what she was doing. At first I thought she was massaging her claws on my blanket, as she always used to do, so delicately, and with poise. My eyes started to focus in on her moving her claws on my blanket to massage them, and then I thought, "Aw, how cute!". Again my mother signaled my attention, trying not to speak very loud so we didn't scare her away before figuring it out. So, again I looked, thinking...thinking..."What? Girls don't hump!"

Well, after 1 year of playful, beautiful Missy Estrada Schenk Carreiro, we discovered the unthinkable, she is NOT a girl. Poor confused Missy, whom we now call Mister. And to think, just the other day we were hoping she wasn't pregnant, because we were noticing her/him gaining some weight. I guess we don't have to worry about that anymore. It's almost sad to think about Missy being male, I was really comfortable with him being a young lady. I guess next time I shouldn't be so gullible and take the persons word for it, I should check for myself.

Moving out and moving on.

It dawned on me yesterday that I have never lived by myself. Currently I live with my mother and 2 younger sisters. For a long time, after I had a steady job, I was at home solely for one purpose: to help my family sustain their current home. The down side of living at home is sharing my time. I can't just come home and relax. Granted I have an unusual situation, unlike most people I know.

I have 4 siblings from my mothers side, and 2 from my fathers. They range from 32-10 years of age. That's a pretty large gap, I know. My eldest brother Anthony is 32, and he has a wife and four children, ages 11, 9, 5, and 3. My eldest sister Leticia is 27, and she has her boyfriend and their 3 children, ages 3, 1 1/2, and 1 month. I have my sister Janelle, 17, and brother Johnathan, 18, on my Dad's side. And finally, my sisters Michel, 13, and Danielle, 10. How can I keep up with all of them, you ask? I can't, but I do my best and try my hardest.

As I was saying before, I live with Michel, 13, and Danielle, 10, who are the closet siblings I have, in terms of our relationship, but it's starting to wear on me. I need my own time and own space. I come home tired and worn out from my work, only to come home to a jungle, where I'm beating the animals off me and fighting for my time. I can't come home and read my books and study. I can't do my laundry without being interrupted. I can't even go to the bathroom without someone banging on the door asking me where they can find the remote controller.

Just last night, as I was driving home on the freeway, my car started to drift and my eyes became heavy. I started to dream of my bed and how nice it will feel against my cheek. I couldn't wait to get home so my eye lids could finally give way, and I could rest my head. I pull into the driveway noticing a familiar family van. I walk in the door and a stampede of children rush over me like a surge of water through a broken dam. I couldn't help but feel joy because I get to spend time with my beloved nephews, whom I love so much, but I also felt robbed of my precious time. I know they don't intentionally steal time from me, and if only they could understand how I feel and what it's like for me, but it's still wearing.

There is a definite upside to having a large family. As much as I crave time to myself, I still am completely excited and find deep joy in all of my family. I love having people around. It's hard because I'm so social and I love people. But then again I also NEED alone time. Sometimes I feel like every little thing, all of the little appointments, or the short time that I spend with someone is really a huge deal. But I wouldn't trade or change my family for the world. I am completely blessed by them. They continue to teach and humble me.

I am now looking for an apartment. I look forward to some alone time.

Pan's Labyrinth

I know I just saw a movie yesterday, but I really wanted to see this one and it only plays at select theaters, so I decided to see it while I could.

I saw Pan's Labyrinth with high expectations, of course, considering some of the reviews I read. I guess I wasn't really prepared for what I saw in the theater today. It was pretty gruesome and bloody. I actually really enjoyed the movie without all of those scenes. It was extremely imaginative, and portrayed an innocent little girl with a beautiful spirit and an intriguing insight and perspective. The pictures in the forest were fairy tale shots, and the characters had potent personalities, expressing themselves through distinctive facial expressions, and concise and rich words. I loved the main character Ofelia; the contrast between her character being beautiful in her innocents, and a war torn Spain- country side, lead by a malicious and ruthless Captain, who is also her newfound Step-Father, is a brilliant and intriguing idea.

Guillermo Del Toro, director of Pan's Labyrinth, incorporated so many of the fairy tales that we have grown up with, and have grown to love. I think of all the good moves he made in directing this film, familiarizing the viewers with common, and well-known fairy tales was the best. The story is one of survival, a fairytale world and a heart for something more. I really enjoyed this movie but I don't know if I would, or should recommend it to anyone. It's not a lighthearted film.

Freedom Writers

I just got back from seeing this movie, and I have to say that it is worth blogging about at 1:37 in the morning. When I first watched the T.V. previews and the trailer I was not impressed. It seemed to be a 1995 "Dangerous Minds", Michelle Pfeiffer knock off. Although I had low expectations, and no desire to pay full price to see this movie, I went more for the other person than myself. I am so glad that I did. Hilary Swank was beautiful, not brilliant, but beautiful. It wasn't so much her physical features as it was her ability to generate a sincerity in her character that emulated a deep and heartfelt soul. The lives and situations of the students were heavy and dark, and it probably would have been an overkill for this movie if it were not for the artistic depiction of their personalities. The lives of the students were played out and a voice over of their thoughts streamed in sync with their experiences. I really enjoyed that. I was also touched at the different levels of this movie, and the way they showed the struggles on all sides, really giving a good picture of the reality of their situation. All in all this hits my top list. I can't say how many are in my top list, I've never thought about it.

Mighty Mouse

The mightiest mouse around. I cannot believe how awesome it is. Ingenious I tell you, ingenious. My favorite part is the mini ball that you can roll any direction you'd like. Move to the left or right, up or down and it scrolls your window. Haha! I love the thumb pieces on the sides. At first I thought you just rested your fingers on them, I was so wrong, you squeeze the sides and it miniaturizes all of your current windows of applications so you can accurately choose without clicking and moving them around. It saves you loads of time. I love the tilting effect of the mouse. Instead of having a separate piece to click on the mouse, it has one whole piece on top and you press one side to click. Beautiful!

iPhone joy

My heart is beating a million times a minute. My fingers are shaking and I feel tingling down my spine. Yes, it is because of my uncontainable joy. I have dreamed of this day. It was only two months ago when I thought to myself, "Mmm...Apple really needs to come out with a combination of a smart phone and ipod". Ode to joy, it has arrived. Meet iPhone.