Moving out and moving on.

It dawned on me yesterday that I have never lived by myself. Currently I live with my mother and 2 younger sisters. For a long time, after I had a steady job, I was at home solely for one purpose: to help my family sustain their current home. The down side of living at home is sharing my time. I can't just come home and relax. Granted I have an unusual situation, unlike most people I know.

I have 4 siblings from my mothers side, and 2 from my fathers. They range from 32-10 years of age. That's a pretty large gap, I know. My eldest brother Anthony is 32, and he has a wife and four children, ages 11, 9, 5, and 3. My eldest sister Leticia is 27, and she has her boyfriend and their 3 children, ages 3, 1 1/2, and 1 month. I have my sister Janelle, 17, and brother Johnathan, 18, on my Dad's side. And finally, my sisters Michel, 13, and Danielle, 10. How can I keep up with all of them, you ask? I can't, but I do my best and try my hardest.

As I was saying before, I live with Michel, 13, and Danielle, 10, who are the closet siblings I have, in terms of our relationship, but it's starting to wear on me. I need my own time and own space. I come home tired and worn out from my work, only to come home to a jungle, where I'm beating the animals off me and fighting for my time. I can't come home and read my books and study. I can't do my laundry without being interrupted. I can't even go to the bathroom without someone banging on the door asking me where they can find the remote controller.

Just last night, as I was driving home on the freeway, my car started to drift and my eyes became heavy. I started to dream of my bed and how nice it will feel against my cheek. I couldn't wait to get home so my eye lids could finally give way, and I could rest my head. I pull into the driveway noticing a familiar family van. I walk in the door and a stampede of children rush over me like a surge of water through a broken dam. I couldn't help but feel joy because I get to spend time with my beloved nephews, whom I love so much, but I also felt robbed of my precious time. I know they don't intentionally steal time from me, and if only they could understand how I feel and what it's like for me, but it's still wearing.

There is a definite upside to having a large family. As much as I crave time to myself, I still am completely excited and find deep joy in all of my family. I love having people around. It's hard because I'm so social and I love people. But then again I also NEED alone time. Sometimes I feel like every little thing, all of the little appointments, or the short time that I spend with someone is really a huge deal. But I wouldn't trade or change my family for the world. I am completely blessed by them. They continue to teach and humble me.

I am now looking for an apartment. I look forward to some alone time.