Weary of the battle

O Lord, the most high,
do not punish me in your anger
because my wickedness
is so great.
Take mercy on me, O God,
for I know that my actions deserve punishment.

O God, of mercy and compassion
I cannot stand to look at myself
any longer.
My sin is almost too much to bear.
I am ashamed of who I am.
How can it be so, that I
am even ashamed
of being ashamed?

Abba Father,
I cry out to you
in great distress.
I have no strength left of my own.
I cannot see past myself.
This burden is too great for me to bear,
but I know
it is not too great
for you.

Father of Heaven and earth,
I cry out to you.
I ask you to take hold
of your dying daughter.
My flesh is unworthy of your
greatness.
I do not deserve your pure
and blameless love.

Take mercy on me my Father.
You have said to me", Ask
and it will be given to you;
seek and you shall find;
knock and the door will be opened.
For everyone who asks receives;
he who seeks finds;
and to him who knocks,
the door will be opened."

I ask you to walk with me;
I seek refuge in the shelter
of your wings;
and I praise you
for opening your door to me.
I exalt thee, O Father in Heaven,
for you are mighty
and your kingdom great.

O my God, I am ashamed to say
I do not feel that I am enough.
But what are my feelings?
They, that come from in me,
are not even reliable.
They are not valid in my circumstances,
for I know that they are tainted
by my humanity,
and by my history.

My God, you have said,
"Who of you by worrying
can add a single hour
to his life?".
I know those words well.
In my heart those words
reign true,
but in my flesh
I am tortured by my
worries.

"Consider the lilies of the field",
those words were spoken
from your lips.
They bring me comfort and joy.
But everyday is the same battle,
and I am weary.
I know that I can trust in your
strength, O merciful One.
For I know that if not for
your strength, than
I am dead already.

Care for me, O Father in Heaven.
Care for your daughter,
whom you have created,
by your greatness
and for your pleasure.

You are all that I have...
And more, you are all that I need.

Praise be to the Father in Heaven.
Honor and Glory be to Him,
forever and ever.
Amen.

All I've ever known

There are many things in this world
that people know very well.
We have experts in certain subjects,
like psychologists
and technologists of the world.

They know about that area
of humanity,
and the mentality of the like,
but there are things I know
they do not know
about other parts of life.

I know we are not perfect;
we cannot know it all.
Then why do I feel so stupid?
Why am I so dull?

There are many things I do not know,
there are many things I do,
but no matter how many things I know,
I will always feel retarded,
and I'll even think it's true.

I cannot break this pattern,
or maybe I don't know how.
But I do know where it comes from;
I finally figured it out.

It is a pain that has grown immensely;
it has reared its ugly head.
It has deep rooted itself within me,
and hides underneath my bed.

It attacks me in the night,
and keeps me up all hours of the morn.
It clothes itself with humor,
and keeps close to my every sore.

It has grown with me since childhood;
it started when I was very young.
It came from my insecurities
and became greater
when I felt alone.

I was neglected as a child,
and left with two young kids.
I became, what you would call
a junior "Mom",
and had responsibilities
instead of friends.

Because I had more "important" things
going on in my young bound life,
I never did my homework,
or had motivation of any kind.

I neglected to do any school work
and failed at everything.
I was even told, or yelled at,
for not doing the right things.

At home it was always hard;
because I did everything wrong.
I never did right or good,
but I always tried to please my mom.

Every time I messed up
I would never hear the end.
She would always call me Stupid,
and never be my friend.

I heard it from my Mother,
I heard it from my,
"little friend".
I couldn't do anything right.
I was Stupid.
I was ignorant.
I saw it then.

I came home to a town house
and lived in a drug dealing court,
where I heard gun shots every other night
and policemen at every door.
I heard a lot of screaming
mainly between my Step-Dad and Mom.
She always yelled
because he wasn't perfect
and didn't believe in God at all.

He used drugs all the time,
but he was still a very good man.
He would even call me his daughter
to all his drug dealing friends.
He was like a real live Dad to me
but in the end he died
when I was only 15.

I was tortured by the thought
that no one would ever pay attention to me.
So after he died
I mourned for 2 things,
that I lost him as a Dad,
and lost any care or concern for me.

I started drinking alcohol
and started smoking weed.
I started drinking heavily;
it was my only living need.

In the midst of this great tragedy
I still knew
there was another man,
who was my real live Father,
but I didn't know him
as a Dad.

I knew him since I was 2.
I went to his house every other week.
But we didn't know each other,
and more,
he didn't care to know me.

He would never call me at home
or even on my cell phone.
He would even lie
when they went to Disneyland
because he didn't want to pay my toll.

I was neglected by my Mother
left by my only Dad,
rejected by my real Father,
and forced in a stupid program.

I never felt like I could do anything right
I have always been insecure.
I thought my "little friend"
would help me?
I thought he would save me
and more?

What happened to you my little friend?
What...is this the end?

I thought my friend was good.
I thought he cared for me.
He taught me so many things;
he spent so much time
making me feel I was a need.

He taught me how to laugh,
when I felt insecure.
He taught me how to fidget,
when I was alone,
or when I felt unsure.
He taught me how to lie,
when I didn't feel comfortable being honest.
He taught me how to feel good,
by showing me new tricks of pretending,
or by numbness.

That's why I started drinking,
sometimes I would even smile.
That's why I smoked weed,
to take me to a place
that was worth while.

But every year that passed,
some how those things stopped working,
because my focus was not on my friend anymore,
but on One who truly loves me.
This One started to pursue me
like no one I had ever known.
He even called me His daughter,
but it took a while for me
to know.

He was the God most high,
who wanted me as his own.
I accepted Him in my life
and it started to really show.

He took me as I was,
loved me just the same.
He didn't want me to change,
but he wanted to show
who he really made.
He wanted me to love
his beloved creation
called me.
I tried to pretend for a while
but I couldn't lie or deceive.

He already knew what I did.
That I had made a big mistake
but surprisingly
he didn't punish me.
He wasn't even angry.

All he said to me was,
"My beloved daughter
with whom
I am well pleased."

I couldn't believe my ears,
that this guy could really love me!
Could He be for real;
is he one who truly loves me?

But still I struggled to love myself
and still to this very day.
I have many insecurities...

Oh wait, my little friend!
Did he stow away?
Yes! He did.
He hid
beneath my skin
His favorite thing is flesh
he loves to sit
deep within.

Who is this thing
that says he's my friend?
Now I know what friendship means.
And it is not as he has said;
he lies to me.
Yes, he does deceive.

His name is called Incompetence.
Now I see the truth.
He is trying to bring me down;
he is trying to lie
about the truth.

All these years I never knew.
I always thought he was on my side.
I thought he really cared for me too.
I didn't see
he was trying to hide.

He made me feel worthless.
He made me feel rotten.
He took away my freedom
and took over all of my thoughts.

He tainted every part of me
by the time I turned 22.
He started to become sloppy
after I grew in the Lord,
then I knew.

I saw my insecurities.
I saw my feelings of worthlessness.
I even saw my eyes had changed;
I saw myself through goggles.

I saw an ugly person
when I looked at myself in a mirror.
I couldn't bear to look anymore
even make up...
I didn't care.

When people would say,
"You’re beautiful!"
No matter how great it was.
I would always question,
what do they see?
How could they think
I am so pretty?

In this place of oppression,
of slavery and of bondage,
were heavy chains
of worthlessness,
of Ignorance
and lack of knowledge.

They burdened my heart;
they burdened my soul.
I was weary of the battle
that led me to no where at all.

I finally acknowledged the reality
by someone God had sent
to help me see,
that my friend Incompetence
is not the truth.
He's not even good.
He only knows how to wound.

He was never my friend.
He never helped me.
The only reason I survived
was because Christ loves me.

By His Grace I've been saved.
By his Love I've been grown,
because he's a God
who will take me
out of whatever circumstances
I've known.

You are stupid

"You are stupid",
my mother would say,
when she would catch me
going astray.

If I would make a mistake
I would always know
by the sounds she would make;
by her face,
it would show.

I could see it in her eyes,
I could see it in her smile,
she was disappointed in me
for not being a child
that would always obey,
or who would always listen.

But I did "Mommy Dearest",
I did what you asked
I did what you said.
I washed all the dishes
and cleaned the living room.
I washed all the clothes
and even vacuumed my room.
But I forgot to clean the litter
and forgot to feed the cat...
I'm sorry "Mommy Dearest",
I didn't mean to slack.

"You are stupid",
she would say,
when she would catch me
doing wrong
or catch me in lie,
or catch me trying to move on.

I would not be a child
that ever did right,
that ever made her proud,
or ever took the time
to make her happy,
or make her smile;
to make her laugh,
even just for a little while.

But who could make her smile?
Who could make her laugh?
Why was I the one?
She'd always be on my back
about everything in her life,
everything in mine,
everything in site,
everything all the time.

If I made a mistake
or did something wrong
she would always be disappointed
and would always let me know.

I wasn't enough.
I wasn't any good.
I couldn't do anything right,
as she thought I always should.

I have known I can't be perfect
but I always felt
I had to be.
I never had the freedom
to enjoy my life
so lovingly.

She has always disagreed
and never accepted me
for who I really was,
until I gave in
to her beliefs.

I started to follow Jesus,
all of the sudden
I was good.
I started to want to do His will,
and then she was proud
and pleased,
of who
she thought I should be.

I know that she loved me
and loves me to this day,
but she doesn't know
how to love in Grace
because she doesn't believe
that Christ is tied to her,
even to this very day.

Most days I have anxiety,
most days I tend to worry.

I worry about things
that I cannot explain.
I worry about life,
and even my pain.

I have anxiety about myself;
about wisdom, knowledge, and pride.
I worry about disappointment
and even space,
and sometimes time.

It has caused me to miss
opportunities for some great things
and now I see the detriment
that this stupid feeling brings.

This all stems from my childhood
all this stuff is from my past.
It has tainted my very existence.
I cannot take anything back.
It has left it's ugly mark
and cut too deep to hide.
All that I can do now
is try to morn my lost childhood
and life.

Numbness

Numbness is such a scary place.

You are robbed of your conscience;

you know no conviction.

See no evil, hear no evil.



It is the very place that leads you into a trap,

set forth by the Adversary.

The process starts by your conviction;

the very blood that pumps through your veins,

underneath your flesh,

desires the pleasures of this world.



So you continue

Continue to feed your desires until, soon,

you stop feeling.

Stop feeling the rush of that same blood that pumped once before

to convict you of the wrong,

no longer pumps in silence.

For it is no longer afraid of the wrong,

it now accepts it.



Now begins the numbness of your soul.



Where do we find feeling?

How do we begin to feel once more?



In scripture?



As I am in the presence of my Heavenly Father,

It is in that very moment

That he raises my body from the cemetery

where it lays.



I am resurrected once more.



My heart is racing

and my blood is pumping,

but only to the beat of my own sorrow.

For I know that in my death I crucify my Father,

yet again.



But it is in His forgiveness and mercy

that reassures me He is King.

So I shall not be a shamed any longer

for the Father has said to me,

"You are my Beloved daughter,

and in you I am well pleased."


He delights in us,

not in our sin,

just in us...as we are.

We shall not be ashamed

it is in God's son that we have been redeemed

He has already paid the price for our vanity and sins.


So now we are called with the mandate to enjoy life

in love, in grace, and in our Heavenly Father.

Sinful Secret

There is a sin I have kept inside.
I have not told a soul
mostly out of foolish pride.
I feel rotten and tainted
by it's great life,
and it completes it's ugly work
from time to time.

I cannot share this sin,
for it has already grown
deep within.
I have tried to express it once before
but I could not bear,
even to let it show.

I need the Lord to heal me now,
for I do not know where else to go
or how to let people know
the pain it causes
me to endure
and the way it shapes me;
the way I am lured
back into the trap
of this dreadful sin
It can only be accomplished
by the Lord within
my soul.

My soul seeks refuge
from this horrible battle.

Day by day
I suit up with armor.
I prepare my sword,
and train for battle.
As I fight
I build up endurance.
I swing my sword
to and fro
I clinch my fist
I swing to hit.
I miss and miss,
and miss,
and miss.
I do not understand
how I can fail?
I thought the battle has been won?
I thought the enemy was nailed,
at the cross
where our souls were saved
by the One who was forsaken
by humanity
He was slain?

How could this be
that I have fallen,
if we were promised
victory and honor,
by God who sacrificed
His only Son
on our behalf
so my battle would be won?

Have I interpreted
my great Lord wrongly?
Have I failed,
was there something I did?
Or, have I been wronged,
or have I sinned?
I am so confused.
Maybe it's just me.
Maybe my sin is too great
to be
forgiven
like my Father has said?
He told me there was no
sin too great
for Him to forgive.

Or maybe it's just my disbelief,
maybe it's my flesh
that prevents me from seeing
my great Father in Heaven
working in my life?
It makes sense,
it sounds right.

Was that me
out on the battle field,
swinging my sword
to and fro,
trying to fight
this battle of great sin?
It's the same battle I fight within.
Was it me
with armor,
with great endurance
fighting a battle,
clinching my fist,
and missing my sin
missing the hit?

Yes.
It was me
fighting my enemy.
But who is that I see?
Could it be?
Two of me?

I am fighting myself.
This is not a great battle!
The battle has been won.
My God did not lie,
he knew all along.
My enemy has been defeated.
My flesh is extra weight.
It only shows residue
from when it was great.
It is not really alive,
it has not won.
I can make a free choice
and choose freedom
choose the Lord.

I thank you my Father
who made it so
You have fought the great fight
and took all the blows.